honestly DIARY..

STUPID and REJECTED = SHARIE
wow. it did took me a long time to realize this. what really went wrong here? well, here’s the story.

i thought he was the one. you know that usual saying that the 4th person you would love is usually the one you end up with, seriously having a relationship with and probably feel the happiness you ever wished for.
i tell you guys, IT IS NOT TRUE. i was hurt. i got hurt badly. i can describe myself as a baby thrown in a garbage by her own mother, treated as trash. i felt rejected!

i thought the person would lift me out of my misery, the truth, I AM SCARED BEING LONELY. he made me laugh, he introduced me stuff that oh so new to me. all the things i hate, i learned to love only to please him. i gave him everything i thought that is enough to be given just for him to love me.
though i felt it, that he did LOVE me, but he removed the feeling from me a week later. the same reason goes, I AM NOT READY FOR A COMMITMENT. so why had me as your girlfriend at the first place?
i am really hurt. i tried everything to have him back, but he was firm with his decision. HE DOES NOT WANT ME ANYMORE.

as much as i want to take him out of my system, it was really difficult. it’s difficult to erase something so euphoric in you. it was like happiness was taken out from your roots. it was indeed hard.
but with the help of my friends, especially annie, i got to stand up again. but i did not know, i was different then.

i was never the same as before, i forgot whom i used to be. i got so selfish of having someone with me in a snap of a finger. i want things to be instant. i was really afraid this time.

my friends did not know, something in me was really wrong. something in me was slowly fading away. it was my self-esteem. even i was uninformed about it. i had no absolute control with it.

it was too late when i knew that it went to zero. several guys went to my life and got me into a cycle. the cycle of euphoria and depression. letting me feel loved when the truth is they do not. pretending that there could be a possibility that they would be my knight, my savior. all i could feel was me being so stupid. but i never cared. i never listened to the inner me shouting for help. i ignored her like i never knew her before. i buried her deep down.

but last night, it submerged and shouted in front of me, at my face… STOP IT NOW! i never wanted to listen to her. i am afraid being criticized by anybody, including me, my own self.

but true enough, it had to be stopped.

i realized (while walking from boulevard trading to ateneo juan luna, south park) that i do not need anybody to save me. i only have the ME to save ME. i need to get her back. not for anybody else, but for ME, myself.

it is hard. being strong is hard. but i know they got my back. annie, my jo, my just, my other friends, my parents and family (whom i most love dearly) and to God.

i want somebody to love me and respect me. but even if it would take him (my Mr. right) a long time to realize it, good thing i get to have a longer time with my self. loving my own me.

PS: thanks to those who had hurt me. you did had helped me, you did! u accumulated all the hurt and the pain that had pushed my ME to shout and break free. and to my friends, who never got tired on reprimanding me. i needed that. i really do (though sometimes it goes over board,its ok.) i love you more guys because of it.

me.. i love my me..